MITM #250

It can get a bit hot from time to time, especially during summer. Theres not much you can do about it, so don’t sweat it. My advice is to keep things super simple:

1. Swap your tall glass of corn syrup in the morning for a tin can of room temp tuna water - sip it slow.

2. Say good bye to your summer turtle neck and say hello to your new breathable burlap button up bomber - itchy in a good way.

3. When in doubt eat more pork - burn it.

4. A delicious ice cream cone not only tastes good but also feels good when rubbed on your under belly - hehe.

5. Stay moist - always.

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MITM #249

Tackling the hard questions of the day while providing in debt quasi answers within a meandering complex labyrinth of words and guttural toots. Monsters in the Morning: After Dark is an open source, free wisdom, public service given to the world as a gift by Manic Mike and Touchdown Charley. Any and all donations are welcomed and celebrated.

MITM #248

To live in Pompeii was to live a life of happiness, joy, fruit, seawater, rocks, sand, sex, milk, mush… but also fear. For those in Pompeii knew there was an evil lurking in the sky, towering above them, waiting to spew its hot and juicy inner core all over the place. Twas only a matter of time till the grand “Party in Pompeii” would come to an end… for good.

MITM #247

One day it just hit me. I got up on a cool September morning, gazed upon the dewy grass, and knew right there and then that I belonged on a stage. Have I ever performed? No. Did I have any talent? No. Had I ever expressed in any way some sort of sign or signal, either verbal or nonverbal, to my loved ones, or even to myself, that I had an urge to entertain? No. Was I scared? Yes. Was I nude? Yes. Am I still scared? Yes. Am I still nude? Yes. But I still did it. I picked up the phone and called Giggle Playhouse right there and then. Within a week I was standing alone in a small unfurnished room with no air conditioning, a few less hundred dollars in my bank account, a bladder full of urine and a heart racing. I was home.

MITM #246

Just like the old saying goes: “March comes in like a lion, and out… like a… lion?” How true it is. How true it really is... But luckily as the cold wind turns to a quiet breeze, as the frost on our doorknob transforms from a chilly handshake to a dewing hello, we rejoice in the transformation of not only the season but of ourselves. Alas, rise up and rejuvenate in the warm glow of the sun - Ita Vero.

MITM #245

Traditions come and traditions go. But those that last the test of time are special, precious, sacred…important. We hold these traditions close, we hug them and love them and look forward to their perennial arrival with much anticipation and glee. So it’s only natural to celebrate these traditions throughly and intensely. It’s what makes them so much fun! So overdo it, indulge, and fill your body and soul with the overflowing joy and pride these traditions require. Then go and vomit it all out. Cheers.

MITM #244

Its a dog eat dog world out there. Everywhere you go someones trying to strap a short lease on you and strangle your emotions. Leading your ass along as they watch you urinate in the nude. Real nasty like that. Yelling every time you happen to bark at a car or the door bell. Lambasting you for eating out of your trash can or enjoying the taste of your own shit. Rubbing your under belly like your some kind of pet, as they laugh at you. Laugh! Well, keep laughing I say. Keep laughing and enjoy the dog show.

MITM #243

‘Tis a busy time to be a sports fan, and an even busier time to be a sports fanatic! So many sports to choose from, yet so little time to watch each and every match one wishes they could… What to do…? Well for starters you may need to reevaluate how you spend you time. If you spend most of your time at work earning a good wage to support your family, however, in doing so your missing the big games of the week; well then maybe its time you take a step back from the grind, quite quit or do it loudly, either way YOUR team needs YOU. So do whats right. Same goes for family gatherings, outings with friends, community engagements, funerals, weddings, major holidays, lunar anomalies, barn dances, dance recitals, dance lessons, cooking classes, etc. etc. etc.

MITM #242

When the winter air begins to nip,

Heres a quick style tip.

Toss out your puffy coat and your long johns too,

And embrace the world with a fashion so old that it’s new.

So what is this new and exciting mode that we speak?

It’s nothing more that a simple sweater tweak.

Tighten the neck and add elastic to the wrist,

You see it’s still a sweater but heres the twist.

You ditch the hood attached to your back,

And with your newly made sweatshirt your life will be back on track.

MITM #241

If you like salt and love yourself some soda then you’ll have a grad time tuning into our resident salty-soda heads: The Salt ‘N Soda Boyz featuring: John Salt and Dan Soda. Sit back, recline, and relax as these world class soda-sippers fill your bucket to the brim with all the bubbly salty liquid your big bloated belly can handle. Life can get pretty salty sometimes, rest assured as the soda stuffers stuff your gullet with as much salty salt and slippery soda your pie hole can clench. Salt. Soda. Repeat until sick.

MITM #240

Traditions can be hard. They can bring about anxiety, worry, and a host of other suppressed feelings one has worked diligently to bottle deep within the bowels of their psyche. However, in some rare occasions time honored traditions can in fact provide just the right amount of respite and cheer our bodies and souls require in order to make its way through yet another year on this god forsaken planet. Alas, Cotton Man’s Christmas Special is simply not one of those traditions. However, here it is anyway. Prost.

MITM #239

It’s the holiday season and with the holidays come everyones favorite annual holiday tradition: the annual holiday party. So jump into the holidays with the holiday maestros themselves Mike and Charley, and listen in as they guide you through the best holiday inspired ways to rein in the holiday cheer. Holidays can be hard, and no doubt these upcoming holidays will be no different… for it is the holidays after all. So let’s all put on best’st, bravest, holiday’st face. Happy Hollandaise?

MITM #238

Relive the journey as the Monsters in the Morning proudly present: Moon Dump 2022: The Entire Saga in One Nice and Neat Package.

MITM #237

Strange how every year around this time we no doubt will wake up one nondescript morning, roll up our socks and gaze in disbelief at the sudden metamorphosis in our environment. This once comfortable and cozy atmosphere now filled with chilling uneasiness and biting unfamiliarity. We wander around with a head full of wonderings unsure of the future yet petrified of the present. It’s a scary place and and an even scarier mindset. The abandonment of security and awash with venerability, we seek answers yet can’t find the questions. Days go by without a speck of happiness within arms reach, and whenever the fleeting sparkle may float by, it withers once touched, falling apart into nothingness as our body and soul tries to grasp its necessary nourishment… Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

MITM #236

Its The Monsters In The Morning Election Night Extravaganza Spectacular Fun-Fun Big Time Up To The Minute Hyper Local Hyper Focal Hyper Notable Dirty Little Stink-Pit Election Headquarters HQ Dr. Q Crazy Time Wow Show.

MITM #235

Every morning during the month of October I like to start the day with a fresh hot pumpkin for breakfast. It’s nothing special. I simply pop a small one in the microwave for a few seconds till soft, sprinkle it with powdered sugar then proceed to eat the pumpkin stem and all. I don’t condone the practice, nor particularly enjoy it myself. In fact anther tradition I have during the month is vomiting up chunks of pumpkin all over my walkway, sidewalk, car interior, car exterior, workplace washroom, the local 711 coffee station, my shower stall, the park district locker room, my walk in closet, my antique wardrobe, and my bosses lap. So there’s that. Well Happy Halloween.

MITM #234

Autumn leaves whisper to us their sweet song

As they crackle and crunch while we walk along.

The air is brisk and the smell is amber.

I hide my shit-stained undies at the bottom of the hamper.

The coffee is hot and the flavor is pun-kin.

Its my drawers I say that I accidentally took a dump in…

We rejoice each year with this sudden change of the weather.

You know what that means, break out the sweaters!

But alas I can’t because of the discovery she sees…

Apparently my favorite fall cloak is covered in feces.

Happy Fall Everyone!

MITM #233

‘Twas written long ago, on some sort of ancient scroll, made of some sort of ancient parchment: “Be it so, thy first dump to fall upon thee surface of thy moon will be grand indeed!” In keeping with tradition and driven by a curiosity bordering on mild stupidity and ineptitude, Mike and Charley finally reach their final destination. Landing a much needed end to this long winded and meandering story, one which will hopefully be stricken from the record forevermore and never spoken of again.

MITM #232

It’s the kind of thing every little boy dreams of: getting the chance to fly to the moon, land on said moon, and then having the unique opportunity to take a large shit on that very same moon, only to fly back home to a waiting ticker tape parade and a true heroes welcome. It’s all so surreal that it could have come directly out of a book of space themed fairy tales with a scientific spin. God speed sweet princes, may your bodies and bowels fare thee well.

Love Always,

Houston

MITM #231

Carrying the weight of the world upon his larger than normal body, Maniac Mike must contemplate just how in the world he and TDC will make it to the moon. While lying with his soulmate the big man just can’t seem to turn off his giant head. Alone in the woods, body bloated, inflated with MSG, it’s within the television screen that the human balloon finds his only solace.